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IF MY CAR COULD TELL A STORY...

If my car possessed the ability to relate to a story, it would tell about several things about my driving. It would explain how I drive, where I drive, and my driving habits. The information that my car would give out would be some of the good aspects of my driving as well as the bad aspects. My car would tell of my early driving experiences, its desire to be treated with respect, its hope of a new life with another owner, and it would also explain my ranting and raving about the driving of others when my own driving suffered as well.

My car would first start by telling a morbid story of my early learning experiences of driving, it being my first car. It would reveal all of the near misses I had with other cars, especially of the ones that occurred in my hometown. Most of the near misses in my hometown occurred within one mile of my home. Bridge construction created congested traffic in the area, and my poor time management did not improve the situation. My car would explain in immense detail the many times it was forced to burn rubber when these situations transpired. The car would furthermore tell of my learning experiences on rainy days, when I learned the priceless and no-brains fact that it was a good thing to slow down. Unfortunately, my car, not I, paid the price for this lesson giving up more rubber that would grip pavement for mere inches, thus avoiding another vehicle.

Second, my car would recall its new hope when I bought it. This new hope was that it would not be mistreated, would be driven hardly at all, and taken care of as if it were a king. My car would go on to explain how these hopes were quickly diminished within just a few days of being in my possession. The event of another vehicle ramming into its rear, while on its first road trip, would be the single event that would foretell the events to come.

Third, my ranting about the driving habits of others would be the final chapter in my car's story. It would tell that I call most other drivers by the terms, 'idiot", "dummy", "jerk," and other terms that should not be disclosed. At those times when I carried out these actions, my car would tell of how it laughed to itself because of my own actions while driving. Finally, my car would tell about my raving about trying to find a parking spot. It would tell of the numerous times I drove it to death just trying to find a parking spot that would be close to the entrance of the building.

Of all the experiences my car had, my disrespect for it at times, its hope of a new life, and my ranting and raving about other drivers, my car would still be proud to have me for an owner. My car would explain in detail that although most of these experiences have been bad, it has been an enjoyable experience, and that it looks forward to being at my disposal for the rest of its lifetime because I'm a very careful driver. Really!

Written around 9/24/1999
Corrected mistakes on 2/17/2004